“Desire is not a destination: We connect with our desire by uncovering what is already inside of us.”

Dr. Lori Buckley

Is the thrill gone from your relationship? Do you feel like you would rather watch TV than have sex, and that everyone you know, and certainly those you don’t know, are having more and better sex than you?

You are not alone. Diminished sexual desire is a common concern for many men and women, and at some time in your life you and/or your partner will experience a decreased interest in sex.

Yet, many people who experience a lowered or lack of interest in sex believe that something is wrong with them, and therefore experience unhappiness and/or dissatisfaction in their relationship. Men and women are in severe distress over their own or their partner’s lack of sexual desire. Research suggests that sexual desire problems affect up to 55% of relationships.

 It’s important to listen to the message your body is giving you. A lack of interest in sex is your body telling you that your life is out of balance, your relationship needs attention, you need to change your lifestyle, or you may have an underlying health problem. In addition to the suggestions below, consider getting a general physical to rule out any underlying medical concerns.

People often tell me they’ve lost their sexual desire as though they’re talking about misplacing their car key. “I have to find it… I had it a moment ago… What happened to it… Where the heck is it?” But desire is not really lost, it is just covered up or blocked by external and internal forces that may include psychological, relational, or physiological factors. Sexual desire is complex, but a decreased interest in sex may just be the result of boring and unsatisfying sexual experiences.

Below are some things you can do right away to increase your desire and improve your sex life. They’re quick, easy, and they work!


 Be selfish. Desire used as a verb is defined as wanting something. Think of your sexual desire as something you want for yourself, instead of pleasing someone else. Sex is not only good for you, it can give you pleasure, be a lot of fun, and even help you live longer and look younger. You deserve to have enjoyable sex. Think about the reasons you want to have sex and how your life and relationship would be different if you were having satisfying sex.

Expand your definition of sex. Sex is not only about intercourse and orgasms. If you knew that you could enjoy kissing, teasing, and touching your partner or ask for the same without any pressure to do anything else, you might engage in more sex play. Sex play is a great way to add fun and pleasure into your bedroom.

Try new things. The good news is that you don’t need to go to a sex club or swing from a chandelier to make sex more exciting. Even the smallest change can have a huge impact on sexual satisfaction. Try touching and kissing your partner differently, or having sex in a different room of the house or experimenting with sex toys. Reading erotic books or watching adult films together to get new ideas are a great way to open up a line of communication about new things you’d like to try.

 Remember to kiss. Even in great relationships, the long, lingering kiss is often the first thing that goes. Remember that first kiss and how exciting it was to spend hours making-out? Next time you and your partner are going for a drive, pull over for a fun make-out session.

Sex-up your bedroom. If your bedroom has become a place to eat, watch TV, check your email, or work, one of the best things you can do is “sex it up.” Add pillows, candles, and fabulous sheets to create romance. Perhaps some mirrors or a sexy color on the wall is all your bedroom needs to create an ambiance of seduction. Your bed should be reserved for two things—sex and sleep.

Commit to a healthy lifestyle. Daily exercise and eating healthy food will have a positive effect on your libido. Perhaps there is a form of exercise you’d enjoy doing together? Take cooking healthy meals together, and/or taking nightly walks.

Feel sexy. What makes you feel sexy? Is it putting on your favorite perfume, wearing sexy lingerie, reading a sexy novel, or enjoying a long, warm bath, working-out, thinking of a memorable sexual experience? Try different things to see what feels sexy for you!

Live sensually. Notice the beauty around you: eat slowly and taste your food, feel how soft your skin is after applying moisturizer, smell a flower, try listening to beautiful music. Being aware of our senses can awaken our bodies and our sexual desire.

Try the Three T’s. Talk, touch, and time (together). Which of these three are deficient in your relationship? Your life is busy, so if you want to feel connected, you need to make the time to talk to and be with your partner. If you need to, put it on a calendar. Make it fun by adding playful activities and romance.

Plan sex- Yep, I said it. Planning or scheduling sex can be hot! It creates anticipation, and eliminates the “who’s going to initiate” dilemma. And it’s much more reliable than waiting for the “right” time or until you’re both “in the mood”. Remember, most of us need to be sexually stimulated before we get aroused, before we feel like having sex.

And here’s a little joke…

A graduate student is trying to find a correlation between sex and happiness. He asks people how often they have sex. Some say every day. Some say every month, or week. One guy, who’s very happy and laughing and jumping up and down, says he has sex once a year. “So why are you so happy?” the student asks. And the man replies, “Because tonight’s the night!”


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