A ritual is an action or behavior that happens regularly and consistently over time. Often when experts talk about enhancing your sex life, they focus on novelty and excitement. And while trying new things can be a great way to take your sex life to a new level, most of us don’t know how to create something new and exciting in a relationship that has fallen into a routine or feels stuck. Rituals are a great way to implement new effective behaviors into your relationship.
One ritual I often suggest to my clients is to plan weekly (or monthly) sex dates. If you prefer sex to be spontaneous, and think that planning sex feels anti-erotic, I have some suggestions for you.
- Agree to take turns surprising your partner with something new at each sex date. It can be something small or big. For example, a new place, position, outfit, or role-play.
- Spend your first planned sex date talking about sexual fantasies or things you’d like to try together. Then write the activities (that you both agreed on) down on small pieces of paper, put them in a bag, bowl, jar or hat, then pick one a week before the date to start to plan…and anticipate a new and exciting sexual experience! You can discuss it with your partner or keep it a sexy secret.
- Another idea is to go toy shopping on a sex date. You can go to a sex store or try online shopping.
What do you and your partner do to have fun? Create a ritual that will insure that you are making time to play together. Here are some suggestions.
- If you like games, plan a weekly game night. It can be board games, computer games, video games, or even a made-up sex game.
- Plan play dates. Many people schedule date nights, but a play date is so much more! It can be done any time of the day, and the focus is on fun. Take turns planning a monthly date or weekend adventure.
We need to talk to connect. And connection is important for good sex. I’m not talking about conversations regarding work, the kids, the house, or finances. I’m talking about intimate conversations that help you know your partner better, and that you feel more known. Here are a few ideas.
- A couple I worked with used to have Margarita Mondays. Every Monday they would go to a small neighborhood restaurant to drink a margarita(s) and talk.
- Schedule a weekly 30 minute “state of the union” talk to express appreciations and to make requests.
- Share a nightly cup of tea or glass of wine while talking about your day or future plans and desires.
- Ask each other questions as if you just met. You can use resources such as “Table Topics” (can be found on Amazon.com) or Apps such such as “Love Maps” by John Gottman to find interesting questions to ask each other to learn things about your partner that you didn’t know you didn’t know.
Pick one or two of these rituals to incorporate into your life, and over time you will have an improved relationship and a better sex life. Rituals take time, effort and commitment, and may be difficult to establish. But with time these rituals will be something that you will look forward to and be well worth the effort!
You can listen to my Podcast about rituals, available on October 16th at https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/looking-for-love-and-more/id1146640020?mt=2